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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Change
Rounds
Come
Christmas
Going
Seven
Years
Law
Year
House
Running
Mother
Round

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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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