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I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

Lenny Bruce

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Lenny Bruce
Age: 40 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 13
Died: 1966
Died: August 3
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Singer
Writer
Mineola
New York
Passed
Test
Curve
Tests
Nixon
Guess
Threw
Century
Curves
Heaven
Hitler
Showed
Surprised

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Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.
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Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.
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I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, What I'm going to do if I grow up.
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Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.
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You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.
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Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
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Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.
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Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.
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I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.
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All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.
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I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.
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When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.
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That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
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TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.
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Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
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If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
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Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.
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There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.
Lenny Bruce
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You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.
Lenny Bruce