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I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.
Lenny Bruce
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Lenny Bruce
Age: 40 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 13
Died: 1966
Died: August 3
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
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Mineola
New York
Funny
Mines
Monk
Money
Mine
Pocket
Else
Necessary
Miracles
Someone
Taking
Priests
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Law
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Rabbi
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Putting
Remaining
Still
Whatever
Miracle
Priest
Would
More quotes by Lenny Bruce
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish
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If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
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Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
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Communism is like one big phone company.
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Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.
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The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.
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I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.
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That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
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Satire is tragedy plus time.
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The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted but if your mother goes, Ptshew!
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Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.
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You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.
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I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
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Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.
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I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.
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All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.
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I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.
Lenny Bruce
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
Lenny Bruce
Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?
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Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.
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