I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves their girlfriends do it for them.

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.