I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves their girlfriends do it for them.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.