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I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

Larry David

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Larry David
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 2
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Sheepshead Bay
Brooklyn
Lawrence Gene David
Lawrence Gene Larry David
the greatest man alive
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More quotes by Larry David

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Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
Larry David
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I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
Larry David
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My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
Larry David
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I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
Larry David
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Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.
Larry David
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You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
Larry David
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Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?
Larry David
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Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
Larry David
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It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.
Larry David
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The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Larry David
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You write about what you know.
Larry David
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I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
Larry David
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Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me.
Larry David
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Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Larry David
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I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.
Larry David
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Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
Larry David
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I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
Larry David
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There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!
Larry David
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Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
Larry David
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I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.
Larry David