My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.