I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.