A slightly modified version of the Serenity Prayer: Lord, grant me the serenity to ignore the assholes I cannot avoid The luck to avoid the ones I can And the self-awareness not to be one myself

Meaning to send a thank-you note but then not doing it is exactly the same as never thinking to send one - that person is still receiving zero thank you notes.

Intentions are nice, but ultimately intentions don't really matter because they only exist inside you.

One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.