I have proven a danger to both myself and those around me when carrying these weapons. I'm extraordinarily clumsy.

Have to love the preemptive guilt trip! I will be visiting home for Mother's Day. Hoping for minimal baby cannon talk, but realistically that's going to be a big part of the day.

My daughter wrote a book. She is a New York Times Bestselling Author. Fabulous. Couldn't be more proud. She also has no health insurance. A 401 K? Dream on! My daughter left her stable corporate job to be a writer without dental benefits or a savings account, a.k.a. my worst nightmare.

The last thing I need is for daughter to move back into my basement and become another unemployed millennial statistic. Would love for her to get a job at Facebook. Become the president of Google.