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Amsterdam has more than 150 canals and 1,250 bridges, but it never seems crowded, nor bent and bitter from fleecing the tourist.

Julie Burchill

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Julie Burchill
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: July 3
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Frenchay
Gloucestershire
Bent
Bridges
Bitter
Seems
Amsterdam
Never
Canals
Tourist
Tourists
Crowded

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It must be said that Brighton, unlike London, makes driving seem very appealing. Instead of glowering faces and angry horns on all sides, we have the coast road in front of us and the Sussex Downs just 10 minutes behind us.
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As a precocious teen I dreamed of being Graham Greene. Well, as it turned out, I never wrote a great novel, sadly, and I never converted to Catholicism, happily, but I did do one thing he did. That is, in middle age I moved to a seaside town and got into a right barney with the local powers-that-be.
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A wedding is a funeral which masquerades as a feast. And the greater the pageantry, the deeper the savagery.
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As a kid, I grew to define what I didn't want my life to be like by sitting behind moaning women on the bus, hearing them bang on about their aches and pains, both real and imagined.
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Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index.
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The allegedly 'classy' magazines often seem to be in an endless, undeclared competition to see who can climb furthest up the fundament of Gwyneth Paltrow or Jennifer Lopez.
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I don't really care what people tell children - when you believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, one more fib won't hurt. But I am infuriated by the growing notion, posited in some touchy-feely quarters, that all women are, or can be, beautiful.
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If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog.
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Prostitution is the supreme triumph of capitalism. When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground.
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Lots of women love to accuse men of being immature when the fellow in question displays a reluctance to commit...
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A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold.
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Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.
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Contrasting British servicemen and women with the appeasers, it is hard not to laugh. Are these two sides even the same species, let alone the same nationality? On one hand the selflessness and internationalism of the soldiers on the other the Whites-First isolationism of the protesters. Excuse me, who are the idealists here?
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Surely being a Professional Beauty - let alone an ageing one - is one of the most insecure and doomed careers imaginable.
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Only those who haven't got the wit to speak for themselves would ever want their clothes to do it for them.
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As a child, I wanted only two things - to be left alone to read my library books, and to get away from my provincial hometown and go to London to be a writer. And I always knew that when I got there, I wanted to make loads of money.
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It shouldn't come as any surprise that those who choose acting as a profession are phonies who live in a fantasy world. What is surprising is how many of them are blissfully unaware of it.
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Monarchists frequently declare that without the royal family, Britain would be 'nothing.' What a woeful lack of love for one's country such statements express.
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The latest twist on the pampering concept is spa parties, where a group of friends take over an entire spa.
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Women, more often than not, do things which aren't remotely relaxing but are all about preening, which is just another sort of work.
Julie Burchill