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I just want the pain to end.

Julie Anne Peters

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Julie Anne Peters
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: January 16
Author
Engineer
Writer
Jamestown
New York
Pain
Ends

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I want to tell them, Chip, Kim, there is no way to suicide-proof a person.
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That earns him a smack with my book bag. Ow. He clutches his arm. What do you have in there? Books? A grin snakes across his face. I like my women feisty. He adds, I like my broken.
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I'm scared. What will tomorrow bring? It has to be better than today. It has to.
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I won't be alive so I won't care who finds me.
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Is that all I am? A friend? Of course not, I say. I love you. Am I the only one? she asks. Yes. Completely. First, last, and always.
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But I'm no hero. I had to keep my dirty little secret. The worst sin I committed was holding it in letting the secret blacken me.
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What you see, isn't always what you get
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Miracles don't happen. You make them happen. They're not wishes or dreams or candles on a cake. They're not impossible. Reality is real. It's totally and completely under my control.
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Yet, when we talked, when we were together, she seemed so familiar. Seemed to know who I was, where I was coming from. She knew me better than I knew myself, I think. She was easy to be with. And I wanted to be with her, like all the time.
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I have no intent. I have no reason to live, that's all. When I'm gone, I don't want to be remembered.
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Cut the ending. Revise the script. The man of her dreams is a girl.
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I had to fight so hard not to cry.
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Who becomes you? No one. No one should become me. When I die, I don't want my body or soul inhabited. I wouldn't wish me on anyone.
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Trust. That was what this was all about. If you can't trust the one you love, you don't have anything.
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Secrets. I can't take then with me. If I do, when I go, when I arrive at my final destination, I'll be . . . impure.
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As they were carting him off on a gurney, all I could think was, I wish that was me.
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No one ever found out what was happening inside me. How the pain was eating me away. No one ever came to my rescue, or stood up for me.
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The sad truth is, they should never trust me.
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It was all about hate. There should be laws. We're there laws? Can you legislate against hatred?
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This is my vision-what I imagine I'll pass through on my way to the light. The blue sky, the clouds, the rays of light.
Julie Anne Peters