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I just want the pain to end.

Julie Anne Peters

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Julie Anne Peters
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: January 16
Author
Engineer
Writer
Jamestown
New York
Pain
Ends

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Yeah, I loved her. I couldn't help it. She was my brother.
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No one else knows I'm alive, which means they won't notice when I'm gone.
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At times like this, I'm thankful I don't feel love.
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Like anyone cared where I was, or who I was.
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Is that all I am? A friend? Of course not, I say. I love you. Am I the only one? she asks. Yes. Completely. First, last, and always.
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Miracles don't happen. You make them happen. They're not wishes or dreams or candles on a cake. They're not impossible. Reality is real. It's totally and completely under my control.
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Our eyes met across the crowded room, like in the movies, except we didn't share a knowing smile and race into each other's arms. Instead I fell into the trash can.
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This is my vision-what I imagine I'll pass through on my way to the light. The blue sky, the clouds, the rays of light.
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I want to tell them, Chip, Kim, there is no way to suicide-proof a person.
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The sad truth is, they should never trust me.
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The truth remains. I was, and am, disgusted with myself.
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What you see, isn't always what you get
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That earns him a smack with my book bag. Ow. He clutches his arm. What do you have in there? Books? A grin snakes across his face. I like my women feisty. He adds, I like my broken.
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I think about my choice. Either outcome is bleak. If I stay and live through high school, go to college, get a job, what will ever change? This blackness inside will never go away. I don't make friends I'll always be alone. If I go, at least there's hope of peace. Chance of a new and better life on the other side.
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Yet, when we talked, when we were together, she seemed so familiar. Seemed to know who I was, where I was coming from. She knew me better than I knew myself, I think. She was easy to be with. And I wanted to be with her, like all the time.
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It was her way of saying, You should kill yourself.
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But I'm no hero. I had to keep my dirty little secret. The worst sin I committed was holding it in letting the secret blacken me.
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I'm scared. What will tomorrow bring? It has to be better than today. It has to.
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She responds by kissing me harder and longer and deeper. She loves me too. She's just afraid.
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Everyone's a liar. Everyone I've ever known.
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