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I wish I could tell my parents, If you want to help me, help me die.

Julie Anne Peters

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Julie Anne Peters
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: January 16
Author
Engineer
Writer
Jamestown
New York
Parents
Parent
Dies
Help
Wish
Helping
Tell

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They didn't guarantee you'd come out a whole person.
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Miracles don't happen. You make them happen. They're not wishes or dreams or candles on a cake. They're not impossible. Reality is real. It's totally and completely under my control.
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Me? I had no dreams. No longings. Dreams only set you up for disappointment. Plus, you had to have a life to have dreams of a better life.
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Yeah, I hear the truth. But this is my truth.
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I have no intent. I have no reason to live, that's all. When I'm gone, I don't want to be remembered.
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Do what, Kim? Lead a normal life? Too late. Way too late.
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How does he do it? Live. With the fear of death every day. I don't fear death as much as I fear the thought of living.
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And it’s more. It’s about getting past that question of whats wrong with me, to knowing there’s nothing wrong, that you were born this way. You're a normal person and a beautiful person and you should be proud of who you are. You deserve to live and live with dignity and show people your pride.
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No one else knows I'm alive, which means they won't notice when I'm gone.
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Everyone's a liar. Everyone I've ever known.
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I don't sleep. All night long I'm wide awake, thinking, Secrets, secrets, secrets. There are secrets in my past no one needs to know. Secrets in my present that might kill Kim and Chip. I don't want to take my secrets with me when I go. When I pass through the light, i want to be free of everything and everyone.
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Is that all I am? A friend? Of course not, I say. I love you. Am I the only one? she asks. Yes. Completely. First, last, and always.
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As they were carting him off on a gurney, all I could think was, I wish that was me.
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It was her way of saying, You should kill yourself.
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I think about my choice. Either outcome is bleak. If I stay and live through high school, go to college, get a job, what will ever change? This blackness inside will never go away. I don't make friends I'll always be alone. If I go, at least there's hope of peace. Chance of a new and better life on the other side.
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My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone? Only after the school's shepherd's pie, I said.
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At times like this, I'm thankful I don't feel love.
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Take it as a token. Because tomorrow when I go, I want you to believe friends are possible.
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No one ever found out what was happening inside me. How the pain was eating me away. No one ever came to my rescue, or stood up for me.
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Yeah, I loved her. I couldn't help it. She was my brother.
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