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I wish I could tell my parents, If you want to help me, help me die.

Julie Anne Peters

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Julie Anne Peters
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: January 16
Author
Engineer
Writer
Jamestown
New York
Help
Wish
Helping
Tell
Parents
Parent
Dies

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The truth remains. I was, and am, disgusted with myself.
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I had to fight so hard not to cry.
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Why are people so cruel? What did I ever do to them?
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Trust. That was what this was all about. If you can't trust the one you love, you don't have anything.
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Is that all I am? A friend? Of course not, I say. I love you. Am I the only one? she asks. Yes. Completely. First, last, and always.
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It was all about hate. There should be laws. We're there laws? Can you legislate against hatred?
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Secrets. I can't take then with me. If I do, when I go, when I arrive at my final destination, I'll be . . . impure.
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It was her way of saying, You should kill yourself.
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Yeah, I hear the truth. But this is my truth.
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She responds by kissing me harder and longer and deeper. She loves me too. She's just afraid.
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I have no intent. I have no reason to live, that's all. When I'm gone, I don't want to be remembered.
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And it’s more. It’s about getting past that question of whats wrong with me, to knowing there’s nothing wrong, that you were born this way. You're a normal person and a beautiful person and you should be proud of who you are. You deserve to live and live with dignity and show people your pride.
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Our eyes met across the crowded room, like in the movies, except we didn't share a knowing smile and race into each other's arms. Instead I fell into the trash can.
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I think about my choice. Either outcome is bleak. If I stay and live through high school, go to college, get a job, what will ever change? This blackness inside will never go away. I don't make friends I'll always be alone. If I go, at least there's hope of peace. Chance of a new and better life on the other side.
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I'd decided to write him and tell him to leave me alone. Please, in a nice way, go away, I really can't deal with you.
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...When I asked [my dad why the sky was blue] he said it was because God's a boy. If God were a girl, the sky would be pink. 'What about sunrise and sunset?' I'd asked. Dad had looked dumbfounded. 'You kids. You think too much.' It frightened me how shallow the gene pool was that Liam and I were wading in.
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Me? I had no dreams. No longings. Dreams only set you up for disappointment. Plus, you had to have a life to have dreams of a better life.
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People don't change. There are two kinds of people in the world: winners and losers. Black and white. I don't know where gray fits in, or if you can even live in that shade.
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No one else knows I'm alive, which means they won't notice when I'm gone.
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What will I become? Because I won't be me any longer. That will be a relief. I dont want to be the helpless person I've always been.
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