How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

This guy says, I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man. I said, Oh, a gay trucker?

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.

I was nominated for two Grammy's, but ... more importantly, I like it when I get a letter from someone ... a person that I've affected their lives or I've helped them. That's important to me. Someone will say I was feeling bad and you helped me.

I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet. That's how I became the Goddess.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.