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One legged chickens, I know, are the least apt to scratch a garden.

Josh Billings

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Josh Billings
Age: 67 †
Born: 1818
Born: April 21
Died: 1885
Died: October 14
Humorist
Writer
Lanesboro
Massachusetts
Henry Wheeler Shaw
Garden
Least
Legged
Scratch
Scratches
Chickens

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There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.
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Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
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Genuine laughing is the vent of the soul, the nostrils of the heart, and just as necessary for health and happiness as spring water is for a trout.
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It strains a man's philosophy the worst kind to laugh when he gets beat.
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One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.
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The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.
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Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
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Fun is a sugar-coated physic.
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Prejudice assumes the garb of reason, but the cheat is too thin.
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The unfortunate do not pity the unfortunate.
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Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
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Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
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There is a sort of charm in ugliness, if the person has some redeeming qualities and is only ugly enough.
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The highest philosophers, in explaining the mystery of this world, are obliged to call in the aid of another.
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Selfish people, with no heart to speak of, have the best time of it.
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About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.
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Dr. Holmes says, both wittily and truly, that crying widows are easiest consoled.
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Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.
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It is easier to be virtuous than it is to appear so, and it pays better.
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It ain't because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often it is because there is so much fun n the making up.
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