I'm not biting my fingernails. I'm biting my knuckles. I finished the fingernails months ago.

All playwrights should be dead for three hundred years.

[Writers are] the highest paid secretaries in the world.

And Kate Hepburn-God, she's beautiful, God, she plays golf well, God, she can get anyone in the world on the phone, God, she knows what to do all the time, God, she wears clothes well.

So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me.

In my last two years in high school, my face was pocked with pimples, I stammered when I spoke if I made a mistake, I blushed furiously, and when nervous, as I was in the company of girls, I perspired freely.

There is no such thing as realistic dialogue. If you [simply recorded] the real conversation of any people and played it back from the stage, it would be impossible to listen to. It would be redundant . . . . The good dialogue writer is the one who can give you the impression of real speech.

There's nothing as real as money.

Please don't look at me as if you had a source of income other than your salary.