There's nothing as real as money.

I'm not biting my fingernails. I'm biting my knuckles. I finished the fingernails months ago.

And Kate Hepburn-God, she's beautiful, God, she plays golf well, God, she can get anyone in the world on the phone, God, she knows what to do all the time, God, she wears clothes well.

[Writers are] the highest paid secretaries in the world.

Please don't look at me as if you had a source of income other than your salary.

In my last two years in high school, my face was pocked with pimples, I stammered when I spoke if I made a mistake, I blushed furiously, and when nervous, as I was in the company of girls, I perspired freely.

All playwrights should be dead for three hundred years.

There is no such thing as realistic dialogue. If you [simply recorded] the real conversation of any people and played it back from the stage, it would be impossible to listen to. It would be redundant . . . . The good dialogue writer is the one who can give you the impression of real speech.

So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me.