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I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Joseph Heller

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Joseph Heller
Age: 76 †
Born: 1923
Born: May 1
Died: 1999
Died: December 10
Autobiographer
Journalist
Novelist
Playwright
Prosaist
Screenwriter
Writer
New York City
New York
Miracle
Since
Long
Believe
Time
Miracles

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It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude.
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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I can't start writing until I have a closing line.
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Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.
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...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.
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Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.
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When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as 'Catch-22' I'm tempted to reply, 'Who has?'
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How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements?
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What do you do when it rains? The captain answered frankly. I get wet.
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Rise above principal and do what's right.
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When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
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Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.
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where are the snowdens of yesteryear?
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Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.
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When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.
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Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.
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It's a wise person, I guess, who knows he's dumb, and an honest person who knows he's a liar. And it's a dumb person, I guess, whose convinced he's wise...-Bob Slocum
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Where were you born? On a battlefield, [Yossarian] answered. No, no. In what state were you born? In a state of innocence.
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Erogenous zones are either everywhere or nowhere.
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And anything worth dying for
Joseph Heller