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I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Joseph Heller

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Joseph Heller
Age: 76 †
Born: 1923
Born: May 1
Died: 1999
Died: December 10
Autobiographer
Journalist
Novelist
Playwright
Prosaist
Screenwriter
Writer
New York City
New York
Miracles
Miracle
Since
Long
Believe
Time

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Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.
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He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
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How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements?
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I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.
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Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about.
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The night was full of horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts.
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I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings.
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There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.
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There is no disappointment so numbing...as someone no better than you achieving more.
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Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in this universe.
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Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.
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Only Hungry Joe had something better to do each time he finished his missions. He had screaming nightmares and won fist fights with Huple's cat.
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If character is destiny, the good are damned.
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Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.
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He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.
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Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?
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Nately had a bad start. He came from a good family.
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Everybody is as unstable as water.
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I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred to me.
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From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes.
Joseph Heller