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I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Joseph Heller

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Joseph Heller
Age: 76 †
Born: 1923
Born: May 1
Died: 1999
Died: December 10
Autobiographer
Journalist
Novelist
Playwright
Prosaist
Screenwriter
Writer
New York City
New York
Miracle
Since
Long
Believe
Time
Miracles

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Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.
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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
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They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.
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I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.
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The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
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Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
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Nately had a bad start. He came from a good family.
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I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me.
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Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.
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There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.
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I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.
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Yossarian decided to change the subject. Now you're changing the subject. he pointed out diplomatically. I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for.
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Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.
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You're an intelligent person of great moral character who has taken a very courageous stand. I'm an intelligent person with no moral character at all, so I'm in an ideal position to appreciate it.
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...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.
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Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about.
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Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising.
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How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements?
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The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.
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When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.
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