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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

Joseph Heller

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Joseph Heller
Age: 76 †
Born: 1923
Born: May 1
Died: 1999
Died: December 10
Autobiographer
Journalist
Novelist
Playwright
Prosaist
Screenwriter
Writer
New York City
New York
Discovered
Service
Military
Pretty
Funny
Unfit
Examined
Thoroughly

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He was sick with lust and mesmerized with regret
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I don't understand the process of imagination-though I know that I am very much at its mercy.
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¨ Oh, I´m not complaining. I know there´s a war on. I know a lot of people are going to have to suffer for us to win it. But why must I be one of them?¨
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I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.
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All of our religions but the Judaic and the Greek think more of us dead than alive.
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Rise above principal and do what's right.
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I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred to me.
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...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.
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How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements?
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I can't start writing until I have a closing line.
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Everything passes. (That's what makes it endurable.)
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Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
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All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.
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Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.
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If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate?
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There is no disappointment so numbing...as someone no better than you achieving more.
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I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me.
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It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude.
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Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.
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I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings.
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