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It was one of those days when every time I went to go out the door, something grabbed me in the back of the brain and said, lie down and masturbate one more time.

Jonathan Ames

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Jonathan Ames
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: March 23
Author
Essayist
Novelist
Screenwriter
Writer
New York City
New York
Days
Brain
Lying
Back
Masturbate
Every
Grabbed
Something
Door
Time
Doors
Went

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I live for coincidences. They briefly give to me the illusion or the hope that there's a pattern to my life, and if there's a pattern, then maybe I'm moving toward some kind of destiny where it's all explained.
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My sophomore English teacher encouraged me to write for the school paper, and that's what got me started. Suddenly it struck me that being a writer could be a romantic and adventurous position. Previously, I had thought I would be a tennis pro, giving lessons at a local club. I thought that would be a good life, and it might have been.
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I've really never written about my relationships, or things like that. I wouldn't want to divulge things that were too private.
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I don't really know the person who wrote the things I wrote. I kind of know him, but I change so much all the time that it's like I start fresh over and over and over and over. Writing-wise and life-wise.
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Oh, God, I don't know what's more difficult, life or the English language.
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I certainly want to portray the importance of friendship. I had noticed in movies and TV shows that friends often treated one another terribly, and my friends, the few I have, are never cruel to me or unkind, so I wanted to convey that.
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As a child, I wanted to be an athlete, a professional tennis player or something like that.
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How terrible to be alcoholic. You just want to quietly soothe and maybe poison yourself, but you end up poisoning those around you as well, like trying to commit suicide with a gas oven and unwittingly murdering your neighbors.
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I don't like to publicly acknowledge being a Jew.
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Whether I'm writing scripts or prose, the goal is identical. To give pleasure. Now whether I succeed or not is up for debate, and, mostly, I fail. But I try. I like to make things. It's a way to stay busy during one's ephemeral and confusing life.
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Having a show get canceled is like, 'Oh, you have caviar between your teeth,' you know what I mean? Because you had a show in the first place.
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There are so many talented young writers named Jonathan, with whom by comparison I suffer terribly.
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Whenever I wrote fiction, people always seemed to think that what I wrote was true, that it was entirely autobiographical. And when I would write non-fiction, they often accused me of exaggeration and fictionalization.
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There's no shortage of material in life.
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The reason it's hard for me to tweet is I don't want to pronounce anything, and Twitter is for pronouncing.
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Personally, I've never had it as a goal in life to be happy. Seems impossible to achieve. Even the Declaration of Independence seems to acknowledge this. They talk about the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself.
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It seems like the original 'Star Trek' could have gone on longer.
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I've always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Reminds me of my childhood.
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Mostly I have to try to censor myself so as not to write things that will hurt other people, or that will go too far.
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I wish we had a dog in the show so that I could get to be a dog for a day.
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