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[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Father
Nicole
Today
Anna
Many
Smith
Usa
Fill
Baby
Hours
Times

More quotes by Jon Stewart

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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
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You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.
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The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.
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Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
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The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President [Barack Obama] was very similar to the conversation that [John] McCain and I were having, which was two people talking over each other and nobody really addressing the underlying issues of what kind of country do we want to be.
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So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.
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[The conversation with John McCain] is not about being a pacifist or- suggesting that you can never have a military solution to things. It's just that, it appears that this is not the smart way to fight this threat.
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I feel your scorn, and I accept it.
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I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.
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The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'
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Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.
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Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.
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Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
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Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
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I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'
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California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.
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Here it is. My moment of zen.
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Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.
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I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called fear of success.
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It's very hard to feel the difficulties that the military goes through. It's very hard to feel the difficulties of military families, unless you're in that environment. And sometimes you have to force yourself to try and put yourself in other people's sort of shoes and environment to get the sense of that.
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