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I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Matter
Thinking
People
Selection
Hole
Holes
Gay
Straight
Use

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If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
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No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.
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It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.
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Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.
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We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
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Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.
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They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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The next four years, though, you still have to abide by the oversight process that is there to prevent this kind of bizarre sort of cult-like atmosphere that falls along. I mean, I accept that kind of veil of secrecy around Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I don't accept that around our government.
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, We're going to make a killing here. You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
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And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.
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The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
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I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.
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I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.
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Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
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What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?
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I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
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Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.
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If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
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The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
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