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My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
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Fresh
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Kabbalah
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More quotes by Jon Stewart

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The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President [Barack Obama] was very similar to the conversation that [John] McCain and I were having, which was two people talking over each other and nobody really addressing the underlying issues of what kind of country do we want to be.
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Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.
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A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
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Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
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The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
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The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
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Technology. It's like science, only useless.
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It's the same argument people say about the blogs. The blogs are responsible. No, they're not. The blogs are like anything else. You judge each one based on its own veracity and intelligence and all of that.
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They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.
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It's a wonder our country doesn't implode.
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If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
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Clearly, I'm way older than everyone.
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
Jon Stewart
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Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
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The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
Jon Stewart
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They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.
Jon Stewart
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After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'
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They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
Jon Stewart
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I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Jon Stewart
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Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.
Jon Stewart