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I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Mean
Monolith
Assist
Apes
Hoping
Controlled
Chaos

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You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
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War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.
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You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
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I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
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Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.
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Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
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You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
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The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.
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I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way I always explain it is, when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it's a monkey. But, when the zookeeper is standing right there, and he doesn't say bad monkey... Somebody's got to be the zookeeper.
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Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
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Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.
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People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
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California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.
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I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
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People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.
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You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, Hey, I'll take the frozen part.
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Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.
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