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That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
Jon Stewart
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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
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Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
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Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
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More quotes by Jon Stewart
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Jon Stewart
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Jon Stewart
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
Jon Stewart
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
Jon Stewart
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.
Jon Stewart
The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.
Jon Stewart
The real challenge is when I'm at work, I'm at work. I'm locked in, I'm ready to go, I'm focused. When I'm at home, I'm locked in and I'm ready to go and I'm focused on home. We don't watch the show. We don't watch the news. We don't do any of that stuff. I sit down, I play Barbies. And sometimes the kids will come home and play with me.
Jon Stewart
[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.
Jon Stewart
Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.
Jon Stewart
If you smell something, say something.
Jon Stewart
Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.
Jon Stewart
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
Jon Stewart
I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
Jon Stewart
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Jon Stewart
Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.
Jon Stewart
Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
Jon Stewart
The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.
Jon Stewart
No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.
Jon Stewart
The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.
Jon Stewart
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.
Jon Stewart
