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I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
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A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
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Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
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Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.
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Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.
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So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
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Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
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[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.
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The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.
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Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.
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Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
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On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
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The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
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It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.
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Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, fair and balanced? Why, that's snide! Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan You Can Depend on CNN. Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
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Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
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We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
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I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called fear of success.
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A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off.
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Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
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Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.
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