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[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Might
Sprite
Like
Thirst
Commercial
Sounds
Died
Greatest
Sound
Ever

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The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
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War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.
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Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
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They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.
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It's like hunting cows
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Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
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When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill was really upset, 'cause he thought Robert DeNiro would be really mad at him. And DeNiro comes up to him and he gives him a $100 and he goes, You got pinched. We all get pinched, but you did it right, you didn't say nothing.
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Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.
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We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
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You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.
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The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
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[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.
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It's a wonder our country doesn't implode.
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But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist many other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign governments still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.
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It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.
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You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
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People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.
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After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'
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