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The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.
Jon Stewart
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Jon Stewart
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Portion
Portions
Fought
Vietnam
Size
War
More quotes by Jon Stewart
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.
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Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, Hey, I'll take the frozen part.
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Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.
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Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.
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My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.
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I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
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They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.
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To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
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It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.
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The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
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The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
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I think it's just about the machine is about reporting the news, and then reporting the news about the news, and then having those moments where they sit around and go, Are we reporting the news correctly? I think we are. And then they go back to the and the cycle just sort of continues.
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I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness.
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
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I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?
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We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.
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Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
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The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
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Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.
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