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It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.
Jon Stewart
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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Fighting
Seems
Vick
Going
Guard
Like
Michael
Jail
Dogs
Hopefully
Dog
More quotes by Jon Stewart
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
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We feel no obligation to follow the news cycle. In other words, I felt no obligation to cover story in anyway, because we're not like I said, we're not journalists. And at that point, there's nothing sort of funny or absurd or to say about it.
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.
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Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.
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They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.
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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
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Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.
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Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
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The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
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It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.
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Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
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Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
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If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, We're going to make a killing here. You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
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Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.
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To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
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When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.
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Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.
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It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
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Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
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