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Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Employee
Prevent
Putting
Burger
Crime
Piss
Keep
Burgers
Hands
Wash
Must
Employees
Like
Commandments

More quotes by Jon Stewart

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People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.
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I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
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Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.
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As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, We're going to make a killing here. You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
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If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
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The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
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Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.
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I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.
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When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.
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[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud, all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.
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The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
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It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
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Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
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I want a sandwich named after me.
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They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.
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Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.
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The government that governs best, governs best!
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Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
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That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Jon Stewart