Quote

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

Jon Stewart

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Jon Stewart
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Putting
Burger
Crime
Piss
Keep
Burgers
Hands
Wash
Must
Employees
Like
Commandments
Employee
Prevent

More quotes by Jon Stewart

Image
Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.
Jon Stewart
Image
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
Jon Stewart
Image
My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
Jon Stewart
Image
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
Jon Stewart
Image
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Jon Stewart
Image
A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
Jon Stewart
Image
You cannot judge a book by its contents.
Jon Stewart
Image
It's like hunting cows
Jon Stewart
Image
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Jon Stewart
Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and that's really it. I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change, but I am far lazier than that.
Jon Stewart
Image
Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.
Jon Stewart
Image
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.
Jon Stewart
Image
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Jon Stewart
Image
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.
Jon Stewart
Image
Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even.
Jon Stewart
Image
I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.
Jon Stewart
Image
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.
Jon Stewart
Image
War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.
Jon Stewart
Image
It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.
Jon Stewart
Image
People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
Jon Stewart