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Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Leonardo
Sleep
Everyone
Else
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More quotes by Jon Stewart

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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
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I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
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So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
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[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
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Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
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Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
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I feel like [God]'s hazing us.
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Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease.
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To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
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It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.
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Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.
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[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud, all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.
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The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.
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Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
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There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.
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A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
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