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Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Leonardo
Sleep
Everyone
Else
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More quotes by Jon Stewart

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Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.
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If you smell something, say something.
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And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.
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Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
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I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.
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On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
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The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
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Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.
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No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.
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I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way I always explain it is, when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it's a monkey. But, when the zookeeper is standing right there, and he doesn't say bad monkey... Somebody's got to be the zookeeper.
Jon Stewart
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In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.
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I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and that's really it. I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change, but I am far lazier than that.
Jon Stewart
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It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.
Jon Stewart
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You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror.
Jon Stewart
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The American people, or at least the ones that I get on the subway with - they know there's a real threat out there. They felt like Iraq lessened our ability to fight that threat.
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I've always run by the hierarchy of If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
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Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
Jon Stewart
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Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, fair and balanced? Why, that's snide! Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan You Can Depend on CNN. Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
Jon Stewart