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Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.
Jon Stewart
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Jon Stewart
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Sometimes
Breaking
Must
Complaining
Work
Broke
Republican
Joy
Fun
Nice
Senator
Doesn
Senators
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Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.
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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
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California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.
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That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
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You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
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If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
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Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.
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If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?
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I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'
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A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
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Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.
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I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
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We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
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I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
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