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Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.
Jon Stewart
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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Bits
Goodbye
Justice
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Ashcroft
Disappointment
Voluntary
Department
Resignation
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Attorney
General
Hoped
Office
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More quotes by Jon Stewart
It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.
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I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way I always explain it is, when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it's a monkey. But, when the zookeeper is standing right there, and he doesn't say bad monkey... Somebody's got to be the zookeeper.
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We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
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To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
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A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off.
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You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
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Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.
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It's very hard to feel the difficulties that the military goes through. It's very hard to feel the difficulties of military families, unless you're in that environment. And sometimes you have to force yourself to try and put yourself in other people's sort of shoes and environment to get the sense of that.
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Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.
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As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
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This show is our own personal beliefs.
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All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months. You should be coming home to your family.
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When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.
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Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
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Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
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You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
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California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.
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Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?
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