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As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Long
Hosting
Commercial
Skin
Skins
Happiness
Happy
Ends
Care
Cher

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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
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It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
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Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.
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I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.
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Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.
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As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.
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I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency.
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You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror.
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The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.
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I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness.
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Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.
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Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.
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The President says, We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come.
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You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
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In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.
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Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
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All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months. You should be coming home to your family.
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I want a sandwich named after me.
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Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
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