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I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Missiles
Simultaneously
Teachers
Teacher
Fire
Money
Thought

More quotes by Jon Stewart

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I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.
Jon Stewart
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The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.
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The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
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I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
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Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
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Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.
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All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months. You should be coming home to your family.
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9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.
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Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
Jon Stewart
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When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill was really upset, 'cause he thought Robert DeNiro would be really mad at him. And DeNiro comes up to him and he gives him a $100 and he goes, You got pinched. We all get pinched, but you did it right, you didn't say nothing.
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I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness.
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Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.
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The government that governs best, governs best!
Jon Stewart
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In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.
Jon Stewart
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The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
Jon Stewart
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It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.
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The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.
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