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I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Missiles
Simultaneously
Teachers
Teacher
Fire
Money
Thought

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The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.
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I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
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I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
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[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.
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Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
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My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
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They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.
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How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.
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That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.
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That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.
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Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?
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You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror.
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New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.
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If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
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Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
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If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it.
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If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.
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I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
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Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.
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