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A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Hide
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Heaven
Thing
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Comes
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More quotes by Jon Stewart

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The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.
Jon Stewart
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People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
Jon Stewart
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People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.
Jon Stewart
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What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?
Jon Stewart
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Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?
Jon Stewart
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What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, sup?
Jon Stewart
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Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
Jon Stewart
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Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
Jon Stewart
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I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Jon Stewart
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Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.
Jon Stewart
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When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.
Jon Stewart
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
Jon Stewart
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Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?
Jon Stewart
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I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'
Jon Stewart
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
Jon Stewart
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Clearly, I'm way older than everyone.
Jon Stewart
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So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.
Jon Stewart
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People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.
Jon Stewart
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You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Jon Stewart
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I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.
Jon Stewart