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Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Superpower
Hates
Santa
Everyone
Hate
Like
Claus

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Technology. It's like science, only useless.
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I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
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Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
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We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
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Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease.
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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, Hey, I'll take the frozen part.
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Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
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There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.
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I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
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The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.
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The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.
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As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
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Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.
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Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
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Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.
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The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
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I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.
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Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, fair and balanced? Why, that's snide! Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan You Can Depend on CNN. Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
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