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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart
Age: 61
Born: 1962
Born: November 28
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Manhattan borough
New York City
Jonathan Jon Stewart
Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
Jonathan Stewart
Days
Funny
Two
America
Hilarious
Take
Witty
Country
Gotten
Always
Canada
Impression

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My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
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The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.
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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
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Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
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If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
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Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?
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When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
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Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
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I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?
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There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
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I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called fear of success.
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There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.
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Technology. It's like science, only useless.
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A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
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[The conversation with John McCain] is not about being a pacifist or- suggesting that you can never have a military solution to things. It's just that, it appears that this is not the smart way to fight this threat.
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Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!
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Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, Hey, I'll take the frozen part.
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This show is our own personal beliefs.
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