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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Inner
Careers
Happy
Peace
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We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
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I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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Only lie about the future.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
Johnny Carson