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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Fund
Independence
Stress
Issue
Stressing
Issues
Funds
Presents
Cash

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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.
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Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
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Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson