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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Paternity
Served
Suit
Birthday
Suits
Happiness

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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Only lie about the future.
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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