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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Doctors
Drink
Fermented
Happiness
Prune
Prunes
Ordered
Juice
Discovering
Doctor

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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
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I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.
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I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
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