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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Discovering
Doctor
Doctors
Drink
Fermented
Happiness
Prune
Prunes
Ordered
Juice

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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
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