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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Happiness
Prune
Prunes
Ordered
Juice
Discovering
Doctor
Doctors
Drink
Fermented

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Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
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I get sick of that old rationalization, We're staying together because of the children. Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
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People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'
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Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
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Entertainment is like any other major industry it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made if you can't, you're out.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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