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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Discovering
Doctor
Doctors
Drink
Fermented
Happiness
Prune
Prunes
Ordered
Juice

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I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, I guess you're so big we bore you now.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
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The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
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The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.
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There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
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