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Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson
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Johnny Carson
Age: 79 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 23
Died: 2005
Died: January 23
Actor
Host
Journalist
Magician
Military Officer
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Corning
Iowa
John William Carson
Carson
The Great Carsoni
Happiness
Prune
Prunes
Ordered
Juice
Discovering
Doctor
Doctors
Drink
Fermented
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
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When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
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Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
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I'm an entertainer I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.
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Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
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I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
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According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
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Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
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I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
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Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
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